Excerpt from the Book
Chapter Four
Beware of Assumptions
Carol was enjoying her first day off after working three weeks in a row. She left her house with the intention of taking care of a few errands, but most specifically she wanted to spend a day without a rigid schedule. Her first stop was the bank. Carol parked her car at a new location, in a spot that did not have a handicapped sign painted on the ground.
As she walked out of the bank, Carol noticed a shoe store nearby and started to wander in when a slow moving police car caught her attention. Carol turned around and glimpsed a man running out of the bank yelling something to the police officer while jabbing his finger furiously in her direction. Curious, and not realizing what the commotion was about, she approached the two men standing on the street. Then she noticed the police officer looking at her car and writing a ticket.
Carol looked up and noticed for the first time a pole with a tiny sign for handicapped parking. She was surprised she hadn’t noticed the sign, and then was concerned about being punished for an unintentional act. Red-faced with anger, the bank clerk triumphantly denounced Carol to the stolid police officer: “You see, missy parked at the handicapped place and was about to go shopping,” assuming Carol had bad motives for her actions. Upset by his accusations, oblivious of her crime, and innocent in her intention, Carol tried to explain the simple oversight, hoping to rectify their opinion of her. Then she realized that the police officer was just doing his job, that her car was in the wrong place, and that she had to bear the consequences.
The angry bank clerk seemed to hear nothing that Carol said. Steaming with fury, blood pressure skyrocketing, he looked like he was ready to explode. The truth didn’t matter to him. Though self-defeating, he had a preset point of view and wasn’t willing to give it up. He was the one who had called the police, believing that he was doing the right thing—administering justice.
While his intention was noble, his actions were rude and unfair. He may have been protecting people in need, making sure that no one misused parking spaces dedicated for the handicapped, but he never gave Carol a chance to demonstrate her innocence. With his rigid perception and assumption of her ill-intended action, he built up anger against “people like Carol” and acted unfairly. In his caring, he was selective. If he had broadened his perception and given Carol the benefit of the doubt, he could have asked her if she had noticed parking in the wrong place and by her answer, discovered her true intention. Carol could have been grateful that he had protected her from getting a parking ticket, and he could have felt empowered for the entire day for really helping someone. Instead, because of his narrow-mindedness, he had chosen to punish her, probably felt satisfied for a short period, then angry for the entire day. And all because of the perception he chose.
Understanding the correlation between our perception and our emotional experiences can help us deliberately choose how we relate to any given situation. By changing our perception, we can transform the energy of emotions from unproductive to productive and change our experience of life from misery to fulfillment. For example, if a person has valuable knowledge to share but is afraid to speak in front of a group of colleagues, changing his beliefs about - and indirectly his perception of - the group can free the person from fear and help him deliver the speech. Looking through a lens distorted by fear, the speaker may see the audience as an overwhelming sea of unfriendly faces. If the speaker calibrates his perception and chooses curiosity to look beyond his own fear, he could view his audience as a warmly supportive group of friendly individuals who accept him and wish him success. Instead of believing that the audience is a threat, waiting to attack the speaker, he can choose to believe that the intention of each audience member is to learn something and connect with the speaker. By changing his perception and beliefs, the speaker can transform discomfort into ease about speaking in public. Deliberately choosing courage, he can recognize and overcome the fear by delivering the speech. Remember, whenever you find yourself experiencing a counterproductive feeling, you can transform it by changing your point of view.
Assumptions are perceptual blinders. When you assume something, you make quick judgments and thereby limit your point of view, which further limits your options. Your world view depends on your experiences, your beliefs, and your state of mind in the specific moment in which you are making an assumption. If you have been betrayed by a colleague, your point of view is tinted with suspicion. Consequently, when a colleague makes an innocent comment about your work, you automatically hear it as criticism and an attack. If you believe that your spouse does not care for you, then, when he comes home and acts distant because something worrisome happened at work, you automatically assume that he’s ignoring you. Imagine you’re focused on a work project, a problem you need to solve. Your business partner offers a solution, but since you are preoccupied with your own search, you dismiss his suggestion. Later on, your business partner makes a sarcastic comment and you assume that he’s rude and inconsiderate.
Assumptions are often the culprits causing miscommunications. To test your assumptions and modify your point of view,
1. Question the intention of the person involved in a given situation (like in the example of a colleague who makes a sarcastic comment. Is your colleague’s intention to hurt or belittle you?).
2. Wonder if there is any other possible reason for someone to act a certain way (like in the example of a worrisome spouse. Do you generalize your belief by using the word always – he always does…. Is there any other possible scenario that can explain your spouse’s behavior?).
3. Examine what motivates someone’s attitude or behavior (as in the example of a business partner who makes a sarcastic comment. What is the purpose of your partner’s comment? If the purpose is to provoke you and get your attention, could you recall a time when you did not hear her out?).
Let me emphasize. Our perception determines the way we feel about something or someone, and yes, we are in control of our perception. When we act from assumptions, because our point of view is obstructed, our emotional experiences are often distorted. If you are going to a meeting and anticipate an unfavorable outcome, you assume only one possible scenario. For the same reason, when you have a strong emotional reaction to a specific event, you can default to your usual assumption…or choose to be curious and question your point of view. Be creative. Look at the intention and/or motivation of the person involved in a given situation and think of all possible scenarios. In doing so, you may uncover your assumption and discover an attitude that could be more beneficial to you.
Copyright©2008 by Emina Karamanovski