What’s Wrong With Being Angry?
February 10, 2008
What’s Wrong With Being Angry?
Anger is a powerful emotion, we would probably all agree. When all hell breaks loose and you feel really angry, does that mean that you are doing something wrong? Is a frustrating or difficult situation made even worse by deciding that your angry reaction to it is terribly wrong? And can you feel angry without making yourself wrong?
Then there are feelings we are allowed, and even supposed to feel, such as happiness. In the pursuit of happiness, we buy or do things striving to be in this blissful state all the time…and sometimes reach an obsession with it, thinking that if we don’t feel happy, something must be terribly wrong with us. Whether from our parents or society, we receive messages that anger is bad, happiness is good, and that we should feel some emotions and not others. Have you noticed how quick we are to put a label on our emotions and consequently judge ourselves as being or doing something wrong either because we have or don’t have certain feelings? Every day we are told what we should and shouldn’t feel – as if we were machines and could dictate our feelings! Imagine if we imposed the same rules on our skin and said that the skin should only feel touch but not pain. Would that make any sense? A kind of tactile selectiveness that wouldn’t allow us to register our physical pain would actually impair our ability to survive and evolve! So what makes us believe that we should classify our feelings?
The purpose of emotions is to get our attention so that we can mindfully engage in life.
Classifying emotions and feelings as good or bad does not describe their real purpose or meaning but only gives us an easy way to label them. Emotions are neither good nor bad, just messengers. There is no “good” messenger or “bad” messenger. The messages of our emotions can be favorable and unfavorable, as the actions provoked by our feelings can have favorable or unfavorable consequences, but the messengers themselves are neutral. They are like a yellow traffic light – they ask you to slow down and pay attention to something. However, you are still in the driver’s seat of your life.
Anger often delivers a specific message informing you that someone’s attitude or behavior has violated one of your important values. If you unconsciously react, your anger can transform into outward intimidation or hostility, and unfavorable consequences can quickly ensue. If your response is mindful, you can transform anger into determination or assertiveness, creating favorable results. Therefore, anger itself is just a messenger; the way we interpret and react or respond to its message can be categorized as favorable (good) or unfavorable (bad).
Whenever your emotions get your attention, welcome them. Emotions are faithful (and sometimes relentless) messengers. Like a mailman arriving at your door, if anger shows up, open the door and acknowledge it; be aware that there is an important message for you. Though you may decide to deal with it later, make a mental note that anger showed up to inform you about something that is important to you. Ignoring your messengers does not make them disappear. When you ignore your emotions, they will show up again, and again. Every time you feel angry, it seems that regardless of the reasons, the intensity of anger keeps accumulating (which explains what makes us sometime explode, seemingly “out of the blue”). Ignoring your emotional messengers is like receiving a bill in the mail but ignoring it – the bill will not go away, but it will accumulate penalties and interest.
Emotions are messengers. As discussed above, the message that anger brings is often about our values and standards. When you feel angry, you’re informed that someone has violated one of your important values. Ironically, we are told that anger is undesirable: girls are taught to deny anger; boys are taught to suppress anger, and in relationships we are encouraged to avoid it as often as possible. Yet, here is the real truth: There is nothing wrong with feeling angry. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry because there is everything right about knowing who we are and what we stand for. Next time you’re angry, use the opportunity to its fullest - use it to:
- Learn about your uniqueness
- Demonstrate your values and standards
The more you pay attention to anger’s messages, the easier it will be to identify and respect your boundaries. And what could possibly be wrong with that? For example, if someone yells at you, at first you feel angry so that you’re able to recognize that yelling is not your preferred way of communication. Then you have the opportunity to honestly express what is important to you (your values and standards) in communicating with another. If you yell back while stating that yelling is not acceptable, you just demonstrated incongruence and the same standards as the “offender.” However, if you calmly and assertively communicate that you do not enjoy yelling and that you will respond only to a tone of voice that is moderate (yet still expressive), then you have set a healthy boundary, demonstrated your values and standards (such as respect and integrity), and can proceed in your communications from a place of empowerment. This can be the favorable turning point in any moment of conflict - where respecting ourselves and others in heated moments can ultimately result in inspiring communication breakthroughs.
To learn more about how to be the master of your emotions, I invite you to read my book Emotions Simplified or attend one of my life-changing workshops.
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