The Four Emotional Mistakes People Make

February 6, 2008

The Four Emotional Mistakes People Make
You know the unspoken rule: Don’t talk about politics at parties or family gatherings. Although you may abide by this social custom, have you ever wondered why this particular topic is so taboo? Why are we able to discuss our careers, our favorite sports teams, and the latest films, but not a subject of such universal importance? 

The reason is that political talk easily becomes heated, leaving everyone but the individuals engaged in the conversation feeling uncomfortable and looking for the nearest exit. The interesting phenomenon about political conversation is that the conversational outsider (i.e., the observer) and the insider (i.e., the contender) have very different emotional experiences. Usually, the observer senses discomfort and tension, while contenders feel engaged and energized. The observer feels hostility brewing among the conversationalists, while the contenders themselves feel enjoyment. If asked to stop the conversation because it is causing discomfort to others, the contenders would look surprised, deny any hostility, and wonder what is wrong with expressing their passion. Does this sound familiar?

Emotional Mistake #1

The scenario above illustrates one of the most common mistakes we make in interpreting our feelings: we focus on the intensity and not the quality of a feeling. This can easily result in mistakenly naming one feeling when we actually mean another, such as confusing hostility and opposition with genuine passion.

Emotions are messengers that inform us about the way we are engaged in a given situation. Passion tells us that we’re strongly pulled toward something, approving of it. For example, when two people are discussing a sports team that both loyally follow, they tend to feel drawn closer by their shared enthusiasm. While in a heated political conversation – expressing opposing views – the individuals involved can end up feeling antagonistic and strongly disapproving of each other.

Again, focused on the intensity of our feelings and missing their meaning leads us to miss-label our feelings and sometimes misinterpret them in the extreme: boredom is mistaken for depression, restlessness for anxiety, and disagreement for rejection.

Emotional Mistake #2

The second mistake is that we are not aware of our feelings. Because we are not taught to pay attention to our feelings – and are even encouraged to ignore them - we often lack awareness of what is emotionally happening within ourselves. This explains how someone engaged in a political conversation can start with passion and end up with anger and hostility, unaware of the emotional shift that has taken place. Passionate about a specific issue, an individual starts by sharing his point of view. When met with resistance, he starts feeling frustrated. And since the issue in question is important to him, prolonged resistance and disagreement further transforms frustration into anger and hostility. Ironically, the initial intention for sharing passion about a specific subject was to find common ground and get closer to others. Unfortunately, as the conversation progresses and hostilities rise, instead of being drawn together, people are torn apart – often not understanding why. Unaware of our feelings, we miss-communicate our message or misinterpret the messages of others, thus missing the golden opportunity to adjust our behavior or attitude and make the connection we truly desire.

Emotional Mistake #3

The third emotional mistake is the way we manage our feelings. To manage something means to control in action or use, such as navigating a boat in a storm. To manage emotions means to understand their purpose and intent and use them to better our lives. When our emotions are clear and unruffled, we are managing them well. But when emotional storms brew, we can get tossed around and temporarily lost in the turmoil. Since we aren’t taught the true purpose and power of our emotions, the mistakes we make in managing them are usually out of ignorance and not malice. Not fully understanding our emotional messengers, we manage them haphazardly, categorize them as negative or useless, dismiss their messages, and – much to our detriment - end up ignoring, suppressing, or numbing our feelings.

The mistakes we make are costly because we deprive our selves of valuable information. Imagine that you receive a bill in the mail that is confusing, containing charges that you do not understand. Would you ignore the bill just because you don’t understand it? Probably not. That would be ludicrous! Most likely, you would examine the bill carefully so that you ultimately understand the mystery charges and can decide how to best deal with them. In emotional matters, we should do the same – understand rather than ignore our feelings so that we can manage them effectively.
 

Emotional Mistake #4

The fourth emotional mistake relates to expression. To express means to manifest or communicate. Our emotional brain develops before our cognitive brain, therefore we store emotional experiences long before we learn the words that allow us to explain or understand the feelings associated with them. As we develop and grow, there is little educational emphasis placed on how to identify and articulate our feelings – impacting not only the individual but the collective, as we attempt to relate to one another in good times and in bad.

Often, when we feel internally conflicted and confused, we either express our feelings unskillfully or don’t express them at all. Sometimes we express them half way and when unable to articulate the rest, we say, “ - you know what I mean” to fill in the gap. Think about ordering food in a restaurant. What meal would you receive if you are not clear in communicating your order? Would you give a partial order and leave the rest to the waiter to guess? Most likely, you would not take a chance and put yourself at the mercy of someone’s guessing. Then why do we make such a mistake with our emotions? 

Considering that we receive little to no education on understanding and managing our emotions, it is no a surprise that most of us struggle with emotional matters. In almost every other aspect of our lives we are provided with guidance, but for our tough emotional trials we are left to struggle on our own. With no instructions on how to deal with our feelings, we are doomed to missteps, often making all four of the mistakes described above at once.

My friend Joel and I were recently at a conference, having dinner and networking with an interesting group of people, when someone brought up a subject close to Joel’s heart. The conversation was lively and fun until someone shared a story about helping children gain independence and Joel was inspired to interject. He explained that he has a mentally handicapped daughter who is sixteen years old and partially independent. Being committed to helping his daughter live her best life, Joel further explained that he is on the board of an organization that assists handicapped children. What began as a sincere desire to share his passion for helping children who are similar to his daughter quickly turned into a monologue where Joel found himself preaching about the government’s shortcomings. As he continued to talk about the many things the government does not do for the underprivileged, he noticed the mood change in his audience and decided to swiftly move on to another subject, allowing the lighter conversation at the table to resume.

Later, as Joel reflected upon the event (still stinging from the experience), he told me that he learned to never again express his passion. Entirely misinterpreting the experience, Joel made the four emotional mistakes: firstly, not distinguishing between his passion and his anger; secondly, not noticing when his passion was replaced with hostility toward the government’s failings; thirdly, choosing to numb his feelings as a way to manage them; and fourthly, not seizing the opportunity to articulate what he genuinely wanted to communicate. Although his initial intention was to enlighten others about the subject, he ended up overwhelming them with his disapproval and upset.

As mentioned above, our feelings precede our thoughts. Yet, paradoxically, we learn to pay attention to our thinking while our feelings simply “happen” in the background. Through conventional education and social conditioning, we focus strongly on developing our capacity to think, while neglecting our feeling capacity – which leaves us imbalanced and unskillful in our efforts to relate to others and even ourselves. Like trying to move through life with one lame leg, relying strongly on our thinking, we emotionally hobble along – too often feeling the pain of how we stumble, trip, and sometimes fall when it comes to our feelings and emotions.

Since it’s important to bring some levity and light-heartedness into the experience of re-learning how to manage and express our feelings, I offer you an acronym, L.A.M.E. (like a lame leg), to help you remember and recognize the four emotional mistakes (which are about Labeling, Awareness, Management, Expression) and how to positively transform them in any situation:

• When you notice that you’re flustered or uncertain about your feelings, be mindful that this is when you may be quick to label your feelings and make emotional mistake #1. Take a few minutes and write down 5 different feelings that can describe your current emotional state. Don’t go with the first feeling that comes to your mind or the word that you hear or use most often. Look beyond the surface. Be creative.
• When you notice some type of miscommunication (for example, you feel either not heard or misunderstood), turn your attention inward and reevaluate your emotional state. You may have committed emotional mistake #2. If lacking awareness of your true feelings, you may be the source of the miscommunication. If your feelings are cluttered or conflicting, you may be sending out mixed messages. Make a list of 5 feelings as suggested above, then, sense every feeling until you identify which one resonates the strongest. Be honest with your self. 
• The most common way of committing emotional mistake #3 is by unconsciously reacting instead deliberately responding to a situation. The most common techniques we employ to mismanage our emotions are: the knee-jerk reaction, numbing, and/or ignoring our feelings. When in the midst of an emotional storm, imagine having a remote control and then press the “pause” button. Ask yourself the following question: If you were watching your best friend or your child in your current situation, what attitude or behavior would you suggest as the most beneficial way of handling it? Remember, emotions are messenger giving you the opportunity to learn more about who you are or to express your uniqueness. Decide what this specific message is about; then press your imaginary “pause” button again and respond. The energy of emotion is like the wind - it can blow you away or take you places you want to go. You can harness the wind. Be proud that you took charge. 
• Many times we give up on our ability to express our sentiment too quickly, and thus make emotional mistake #4. In our “lame” expression, we oftentimes communicate things we don’t really intend. When you find yourself struggling to articulate your feelings, think about what you most want to accomplish. For now, focus on the “receiver” (skip thinking about what you want to say or how you may sound), and think about what you want the other person to hear or get by the end of your conversation. Avoid rehashing the details of the situation, and focus instead on the emotions you would like to bring forth. Name one feeling you have or want to have, and one that you wish for the other person to experience by the end of your communication. For example, you can say: “I feel misunderstood and alienated, and I would like us to feel close again.” As you speak your truth, allow yourself to be empowered by the courage you’re demonstrating.

Understanding and managing emotions does not happen spontaneously. You did not learn to walk or speak overnight, so it will take a little time and practice – but as you will discover, it is well worth the effort. As someone once said, to recognize the problem is half the solution; so, you’re already well on your way to reaching emotional mastery.

To learn more about how to be the master of your emotions, I invite you to read my book Emotions Simplified or attend one of my life-changing workshops.

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